"Nothing Really Matters;" A Musical Interlude

Oh, Canada! You Royal Mounties must be havin' yer some fun up there, eh?

Every now and then, there's some stupid and moronic stuff that happens on the job that possesses an entertainment factor almost off the charts. I really think that this is one of those moments. I know it's a little lengthy but this talented rising star has put his own spin on the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.

Sit back, get ya a cold one, and enjoy the backseat dash cam movie of the week.

Cheers!

http://deadspin.com/5897507/arrested-drunk-man-sings-bohemian-rhapsody-in-its-entirety-in-back-of-police-car

A Night of Foolishness

Most of the time, I pick a story and run with it. Usually I'm just ranting on about what's wrong in the world or oddities I come across. Sometimes people tell me stories and I might share it with you. I do love a good story, bizarre and otherwise.

It was late on Sunday. Generally speaking, a night that's rather chilly outside does help keep the roaches inside. Sunday night had a weird aura about it. Maybe because of the Monday holiday or maybe there was just something in the air. It seemed like every call involved alcohol, juveniles, and the weird and stupid.

It was kind of a chilly night for the southeast. The temps were hovering around freezing so what people that were out, they were bundled up.
Last night, the flag-me-down light was lit on the patrol car. At least 4 times, people waved us down as we were randomly patrolling.

For instance; It's 11:30 p.m. and we spot a w/m juvie loitering around the parking lot of a closed drugstore. He waves at us. We pull off to speak with him and then 3 more younger kids on bicycles come out from the side of the building. The one that waved us down was the oldest and 15 yoa. He apparently didn't mean to wave us over to him. While we're talking to him, we notice he's got a wad of tobacco wedged in his cheek. He's also wearing braces. My partner makes him dump the can and spit out the crap in his mouth. How can his orthodontist not notice that? All the kids have their own phones so we get an adult from one of them. An 18 year old brother comes to pick them up some 20 mins later. It's cold out and all of them were wearing some kind of camoflauge hunting gear. They looked like a bunch of mini me rednecks.
They really weren't a major problem and had respectful attitudes...but my kids sure as hell wouldn't be out at this time of night, school night or not.

We get flagged down at a gas station some 20 mins later by 2 w/m's who were gassing up. We recognize one as an arrest from the week before for being loud, wasted and stupid. He's whining like a girl because his former girlfriend got on his Facebook page, posted a nasty status update, changed his Facebook password and did the same on his yahoo email account. After she did all that, she sent him a text taunting him. If the idiot hadn't given her his passwords, it never would have happened. Nothing criminal yet. Sorry about your luck.
Funny. He's wearing camo pants and his buddy is wearing a camo vest.
Wear your camo day! No one told us.

We all know that jurisdictions can often be a puzzle. Sometimes you have to go outside your jurisdiction to get to the other side, or maybe your jurisdiction is one side of the street. We're passing a cemetery at 1:30 a.m. and a car's tail lights catch our eye. We turn around and enter the cemetery. Sad but true fact... the bronze vases and other statuary are often stolen and taken to scrap yards for the cash. Scrap yard dealers don't care where it came from. Even though we're very sure the cemetery is not in our jurisdiction, we pull in behind a mini van. We ask dispatch to call the proper jurisdiction, but we light them up and approach, seeing 3, maybe 4 people inside the van. We shine our lights around inside and don't see much of anything that would indicate criminal activity. We start asking questions of their reasons for being there and got a crazy ass answer. They show us some electronic equipment and a cell phone app. They were ghost hunters! Too funny not to believe from a couple of pimple faced geeks.
We cancel the back up and tell them to leave. We laugh hysterically and try to tell dispatch what we just did without sounding like giggly little girls.

About 2 a.m. and we're sitting at a traffic light minding our own business when some old guy over at the local Stop n Rob is yelling, "HEY MR. POLEECE!" We do our civic duty and make a u-turn. It becomes apparent that our number one fan is wearing a good many layers of clothes and is not so coordinated. He can't wave his arms and walk at the same time. It puts him off balance and he falls. All those layers of clothes protects him though, as he barely notices and bounces right back up like it's an every day occurrence. We get up close with the car. We get 10 feet away from him and we give each other that silent look. You know, that certain "oh, shit" look partners give each other when they know that the last thing they wanted to deal with tonight was a slobbering, smelly drunk. Yea, we both have to get our asses out of the car and freeze while talking to this drunken fool. The guy's a mumbler and we hear every other word, and that word we do hear jumps about 10 decibels. He's a wobblin' and holding on to the car to steady himself. We finally get that the Stop n Rob was not hospitable to him and ejected him from the premises. He was indeed insulted. Of course, when you're dealing with a smelly drunk, they always want to get up close and personal, and they want you to give them a ride. Stupid ass doesn't even remember how he got there. As luck would have it, we were able to contact someone who got him in about 20 minutes. WHEW! Crisis averted.

Some of you have laptops in your car and there's those rare occasions that they actually work. The DMV goes down, the server is slow...blah, blah. You shut it down, you sign back in. No luck. When this happens, you have to do it the old-fashioned way. Call the dispatcher on the radio and run it. The dispatchers know who has computers in their cars and who doesn't. Sometimes it's kind of boring and someone needs to liven things up. We ran a guy's DL number the other day and well, we were saving this one for a special occasion. We gave the dispatcher the DL number. Within seconds, the dispatcher is attempting to pronounce an Indian first name that is about 15 characters long. She tries it twice and then catches on by saying, "you have it on your screen, don't you?" We will, of course, be paying for that one.

It's 3 a.m. and most everyone with any sense is inside some place warm. Oh Christ! Wal-mart is open 24/7.
Oh no....a shoplifter on a motorized shopping cart. Hot pursuit. It was a harrowing and exhausting chase, but we caught our man. He did not want to go to jail.
And get this, the very large larcenous lunatic was wearing a green camouflage hat.

Screen Test

Beaufort, SC

Back in the day, before seat belt use became mandatory everywhere, there was a way of persuading a somewhat rowdy customer in the back seat to shut the hell up. It was called the "Screen Test."

The rear view

There would be those poor cats and dogs that ran out in front of the police car. You can't run over them! Sometimes the brakes would lock up for absolutely no reason. We had horrible mechanics. The abrupt stop would cause the rear passenger to move forward, striking the screen.
Back in the 90's, laws and rules about the rear seat belt use almost eliminated the problem, so other 'accidents' would happen. For instance, I know I warned that child molester about that step. I told him to duck when getting in the back seat of the car, but people don't always listen.

Yea, accidents happen in our line of work.

Now, before you go all righteous and start lecturing, I have always been the type of cop who abhors the use of excessive force. There comes a time when the fight is over. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to beat the snot out of people, but I did everything within my power to restrain myself once they were cuffed. I often used words to tell a piece of shit what I thought of them. Nowadays, though, I think most cops focus like their actions are going to be on the nightly news or youtube. Everybody has a phone with some kind of recording device. I sure as hell don't want to be on youtube.

With all that said, I saw this article  in the newspaper and just laughed uncontrollably.  One idiot by the name of Mark Altman Jr. was arrested in 2009 by the police for drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest, and for probably just being an asshole.
He claims that the transporting officer slammed on the brakes for no reason, causing him to slam his face into the screen and breaking his nose. Yes, you read it right. It was 2 years ago! Did he just now sober up and hatched this genius plan to get some settlement money?

The police department states it's the first they've heard of it.

Sometimes stupid is genius.

Assault on a Firefighter

It's a risk they take. All emergency services personnel put their lives on the line every day for the unselfish act of trying to save others and their property.

~Law enforcement officers risk getting injured or killed by bad guys and then there's a high risk of auto accidents when you spend long hours driving.

~Firefighters risk their lives to save people and buildings from fire. They also assist as medical first responders. Since idiot drivers don't understand the concept of yielding to emergency vehicles, they too take a risk just riding on or driving that big red truck.

~Emergency medical responders risk their lives every day trying to save those less fortunate who may be suffering from the injuries of any type car or industrial accident, to an untold number of medical related ailments. They risk exposure to bodily fluids and chemicals that may cause diseases and long term side effects.

In general, being any kind of first responder is a low paying, and sometimes thankless job. It takes a special kind of person to be able to tolerate such a depressing and brutal side of humanity.

It's bad enough that law enforcement takes the brunt of people's ugliness. After all, we're always the one to deliver bad news and quite often, people resist the idea of going to jail. Can you imagine?

It's when unarmed, helpful medics and firefighters are targets of a person's rage that really assails my sensibilities.
They don't really care WHO you are, their job is to HELP you. There is no reason to become violent and confrontational with them.

Not too long ago, I reported on an impatient moron who didn't like the fact that a fire truck was blocking his driveway. He tried, unsuccessfully, to move it out of his way. He got arrested for his trouble.

There was also a recent incident of a drunk driver striking 2 firefighters who were on the shoulder of the road dousing a small car fire. They both sustained some injuries that put them out of work not for days, but weeks.
The driver of that car had recently been arrested for a previous DUI but not convicted yet so she could only be charged with a first offense (for the 2nd time) and her bond was roughly $1000.00.
Hardly seems fair, does it?

As with this incident, a firefighter is trying to help the driver who was involved in a traffic accident.

Kenneth Henderson

Instead, handsome here, pushes and assaults the firefighter. His bond is less than $2000.00.
I sincerely hope that he "tripped" over the fire hose while being gently "pushed" in to the back seat of the patrol car.

It ought to be a federal offense to assault or interfere with any emergency service personnel in the performance of their duties.  But....I won't hold my breath.

The Naked Truth

Courtesy of the Buckeye State



Is there something in the water?
Is there some kind of airborne virus making its way across the country?
Is this the prelude to a naked zombie apocalypse?
What keeps making people do stupid shit while they're naked?
My highly honed investigative skills detect a pattern.


This story here is just too weird for words and it's one of those things that will be forever embedded in the mind of the arresting officer. The kind of call you just never forget. I'm just going to let you read the whole cut and paste thing as it was sent to me by a regular reader. 

Police in Ohio recently arrested a near-naked woman whose apparent need to reach speeds allegedly in excess of 120 mph left her wearing not much more than a set of stainless steel bracelets.

The events leading up to a high-speed chase occurred around 4 a.m. on Oct. 11. An officer was patrolling Route 422 in Bainbridge when he clocked 28-year-old Erin Holdsworth of Hiram, Ohio, driving her 2002 Mazda 626 at nearly twice the 65 mph speed limit. The officer attempted to make a traffic stop but Holdsworth refused to comply, according toBainbridge Police Chief Jon Bokovitz.

"There was a pursuit of about seven miles," Bokovitz told The Huffington Post. "An officer from the[Geauga County] Sheriff's Office was in the area, and he put down stop sticks."

Both of the left tires on Holdsworth's vehicle were punctured by metal barbs on the tire-deflation device, forcing her to pull her disabled vehicle over to the side of the road. It was at that point that the routine stop took a bizarre turn.

It's an epidemic, naked driving...

"Well, she got out of her car on her own and she had on just a white thong and a fishnet top that was completely see-through," Bokovitz said. He added, "She was obviously under the influence."

"She was not very forthcoming on where she was coming from, what she was doing or why she was dressed the way she was," Bokovitz said.

Holdsworth allegedly refused to submit to a blood alcohol test, and Bokovitz said she appeared to be too inebriated for officers to conduct a field sobriety test with her. "She was so unsure on her feet that she probably would have fell and hurt herself," the chief said.

Despite refusing the test, Holdsworth was compliant with the arresting officer. It was not until they got her in the back of the patrol car that the stoic female allegedly became agitated, according to police.

Police footage of the arrest shows what appears to be an enraged and near-naked Holdsworth attempting to break out windows in the police cruiser. Bokovitz said Holdsworth "kicked and beat her head on the glass and everything."

Holdsworth was eventually brought under control and charged in Chardon Municipal Court with one count each of operating a vehicle while intoxicated, refusing a blood alcohol content test, fleeing and eluding, criminal damaging, driving under a suspended license, speeding and reckless operation.

Authorities did not file any charges in regard to Bokovitz's revealing clothing -- or the apparent lack thereof.

"In the state of Ohio [public nudity] has to be a willful wanton act, which in this case she wasn't really walking around or displaying herself to the public," Bokovitz said.

Holdsworth pleaded not guilty to all of the charges. She has since been freed from the Geauga County Safety Center. Holdsworth is due back in court on November 2. Attempts to reach Holdsworth were unsuccessful and it is unclear whether she has an attorney.

"It is a unique case," Bokovitz said. "We don't know where she was in the state of dress she was in. It is kind of weird but you see a lot of stuff out here doing this job."

Honest Stupidity

Greenwich, NY


You gotta admire someone who is totally stupid and knows it. We deal with liars, thieves, career criminals and drunks just about every day. We've all had those comical drunks at least once in our career. The kinds of drunken fools who sound like they'd be a blast to party with, but drinking and driving is something we take rather seriously.  It's an undisputed fact that drunk drivers are more likely to kill or injure innocent people than they are to hurt themselves. If we arrest a drunk that has done such a thing, making light of their drunken condition and comical antics, isn't likely to happen.

We've also come a long way in our technology.  We now have videos in patrol cars and breathalyzer testing systems are literally foolproof and insanely accurate.  If we get lost, we have GPS. If someone stole our car, we might have LoJack. If we need roadside assistance, some might have OnStar.

It is rare that someone uses their OnStar system to report a drunk driver, especially if that drunk driver is behind the wheel of their own car. One such drunken idiot convinced himself he was a menace to other drivers so pulled over and called OnStar.  OnStar connected him to the local police department. Police responded to the scene only to find that the drunken driver was also too drunk to unlock the doors of his own vehicle. The driver called OnStar again for assistance on that.

Needless to say, Mr. Stupid was arrested for drunk driving and his BAC was .19.
If only the rest of crime fighting were so easy.

I have to thank a faithful reader for sending me this story. It was too good to pass up.

When Involved in a Traffic Accident.....

.....you should do the following;

A. Notify the police
B. Call your insurance company
C. Get naked
D. All of the above


A 21 year old New Hampshire man didn't quite follow all the recommended steps.
After striking another vehicle, he got out of his vehicle and began pounding on the windows of the other car, scaring the woman driver. She remained in her locked car while he ranted on and she stayed on the phone with a 911 dispatcher.
This was not your basic, run of the mill fender-bender by any means.

Jared Hooper

Dimwit here decided to skip a post traffic accident procedural step, and he got nekked.
Yep, he took off all his clothes and was standing there in all his glory when police arrived.
Amazingly, there was no damage to the vehicles, but our nudist was arrested for driving under the influence, disorderly conduct and lewd behavior.
As any cop knows, arresting a naked person is kind of problematic. You see so much blood and guts in this occupation, but having to toss naked people in the back of your car and transport them is a gross feat. You have to go find a pair of pants for the stupid schmuck.

The moral of this story is...when involved in a traffic accident, follow the steps printed on your insurance card.


Made ya look!