A War Story of Respectful Stupidity

It was a typical hot, humid night in the southeast.  The kind of heat that makes your glasses fog up when you get out of the patrol car.  I was working the evening shift on the west side and it was getting close to the end of my watch.  The night shift had already signed on about 2 hours ago and our over lap time was coming to an end.  My paperwork was done and I was just trying to stay out of trouble for the next hour.  It was not to be.
It was getting busy and calls were coming in faster than we could answer them...in every sector but mine.  It was well after midnight, 85 degrees and a full moon.  I don't care what anyone says.  I believe in that theory.

There was an alarm call at a school in my adjoining sector.  I was the only available unit so per the supervisor, they dispatched me.  I was an FTO at the time, but no rookie this night.  None anticipated for about 2 weeks.  A little bit of a vacation.  I was thinking this is just another false alarm and it would tie me up for at least 20 minutes.


On a brief side note:  At this time, I worked for a large police department with never enough man power.  A high turnover rate with low salaries and even lower budgets.  We often had issues with our equipment, including our walkies.  It was close to new budget time and on this particular night, my walkie was pretty damn close to dead.  

I respond to the school, parking my unit in a dark area near the front entrance.  I commence a foot patrol and start checking doors and windows.  I'm halfway through my check when I suddenly hear rapid foot steps and then  BAM!  Followed by "Oh shit!"  I have my weapon out of my holster and I'm crouched behind some cover, trying to ascertain where the suspect is.  2 times I try a persistent whispery call for assistance on the radio that I have a B & E in progress.  The dispatch center isn't picking up my transmissions but someone else was  paying attention and caught some of  it.  A K-9 officer asked dispatch my location and he advised he was en route.  We all know how we can multi task in situations like this.  You hear that assistance is on the way and you're still concentrating on what's transpiring in front of you.

After I heard some idiot run in to something and swear, I have my weapon out and I've taken cover.  I'm shouting at the top of my lungs at this bone head...."This is the North Podunck police dept., come out with your hands in the air." I yell this a few times and finally get a response.  The male voice is coming from the area of a small out building with some aluminium garbage cans next to it.  He doesn't want to come out because as he says, "not if you're going to shoot me."  [Gotta love the humor of some freakin' idiot who has now already pissed me off because I took cover behind something and had to squat down on one knee, in what I hope is just mud.] 


This little discussion just seems to be dragging out.  He'll surrender if I promise not to shoot him.  I promise.  He does come out with his hands up and I talk him down on the ground at gun point.  He's laying on his stomach, legs crossed and fingers interlocked behind his head.  I approach, grab some fingers, holster my weapon and proceed to handcuff this young punk.

My adrenaline has been pumping so hard, I was practically out of breath.  The K-9 officer is on scene and is asking my location.  He's near my car but can't find me.  I manage to get a word in to dispatch that I've got one in custody and that I'm in the back of the school. The K-9 officer does what we all do, drives as far as his car will let him, damn any of those pesky little obstacles like grass and sidewalks.  He pulls up just as I'm picking this knucklehead up off the ground.
K-9 Officer "Wolfie" gets out of his car while his partner is loudly yapping and snarling away in the back seat.
He asks if I'm ok and if there's anyone else in the building.  Our knucklehead friend says, "Oh no, I broke in all by myself."  TIME OUT!  [Let me catch my breath]  I start reciting Miranda to our little burglar.  After being asked if he understands his rights, he says, "Sure I do.  I'll give you a full confession now.   It was just me that broke in that classroom."  [WOW.  My lucky night.]

Meanwhile, we have to find a way over to the actual entry point and secure Mr. Knucklehead while we do so.  K-9 Wolfie comes up with this plan...Take out his partner from the back seat and then put the perp in there temporarily.  My car is very far away.  The suspect pipes up with, "You can't arrest me, I'm not your bust!"  Smart ass K-9 officer Wolfie says, "Don't worry man, I won't take the credit for this!"  Now Knucklehead is getting a little antsy because he thinks we're going to put the K-9 back in the car with him.  Our little Knucklehead reminded me that I promised I wouldn't hurt him.  [Aw, shucks!]

Well, his spontaneous confession tells us he broke in through one window and got out the same way, because he heard me outside.  [That's not a good sign.]  The classroom door was locked and required a key to open from the inside.  He had no choice but to leave the same way he came in. Since I am the smaller of the 2 legged officers, I get a boost and get in the class room.  What an unholy mess.  This guy just totally trashed the classroom with spray paint, penning every dirty word imaginable on every surface imaginable.  No place was untouched.  There's no doubt, this guy was just too stupid.

Oh crap....this is going to take hours.

We finally get everything sorted out at the scene and I have knucklehead safely belted in my dog free patrol car.  On the way in to HQ, our young man is just one chatty Cathy who informs me he is one of the military's problem children.  He's had a DUI, been busted down a pay grade or 2, and tonight has been drinking, taken some 'ludes, and was looking for some excitement.  Well, looks like he found it.
After we get to HQ and I put him in a temporary holding cell, I contact the Navy SP 's to brief them.  They know him!!  [Another bad sign.]  So they wish me luck, and state that his command will be notified.  [To this day, I can still hear that SP's wicked chuckling through the phone line.]

I have to ask our friend some standard questions for the booking report including his place of birth.  He says that it's some place in upstate [a nameless northern state] in a city that I've probably never heard of.  I told him to try me.  He gives me the city and I ask if that's county A or county B.  The kid's eyes, already humongous from the drugs and alcohol, are about ready to fall out of his head because I knew where his birthplace actually was.  Sadly enough, I grew up in that state some 30 miles south of where he was born.  Small world.

And such a considerate and respectful burglar, confessing like that.  He wanted to make sure I got all the credit for his arrest.